Feeling ashamed of yourself has to be depressing. A critical problem with several previous theories is that the origin of the depression is not clear, i.e. where exactly does the helplessness, the negative views, the irrational ideas, the faulty thinking, the self-criticism, the low self-esteem, etc., come from? The shame theory can not be faulted in this way; it identifies the origin as early childhood experiences. Shame and depression clearly go hand in hand most of the time. Shame is feeling you are inadequate, inferior, lacking, not good enough, “ashamed of myself.” In contrast with fear which involves external threats, shame is when we feel disappointed about something inside us, our basic nature. Shame is an inner torment: feeling cowardice, stupid, unloved, worthless, “a bad person.” We hide in shame, i.e. we “hang,” turn, or cover our heads, we lower our eyes, we isolate ourselves. (There is a related dimension–shyness or bashfulness–but here we are dealing with self-loathing or feeling ashamed of oneself.)
The great concern with human suffering in the last 15-20 years has resulted in a new body of literature about the dysfunctional family, toxic parents, the inner child, codependency, adult children of alcoholics, support groups, etc. There are 100’s of relevant books: Kaufman (1989, 1992), Bradshaw (1988, 1989), and Beattie (1989). The origin of shame is usually assumed to be in our infancy or childhood. Shaming is used for control by parents, by friends, by society.
Some of the most hurtful discipline consists of shaming comments: “shame on you,” “you embarrass me,” “you really disappoint me when….” We say insulting things to children that we would never say to an adult: “stupid,” “clumsy,” “selfish,” “sissy,” “fatty,” “it’s all your fault,” “you’re terrible,” “you’re hateful,” “stuck up,” etc. Many adults vividly remember the sting of these comments. Siblings and peers are cruel: mocking, laughing at, teasing, calling names, etc. Children are slapped and whipped, overpowered and humiliated, their “will” broken. All of this may make a child feel ashamed (depressed) of him/herself. Even in adolescence we feel watched and judged (mistrusted); we are “shamed into” giving up crying and touching; we are looked down upon if we aren’t successful, attractive, independent, and popular. Shame and depression soon arise when this is the case as we see in our adolescent depression treatment programs as well as in our adult programs that focus on deeply healing depression and its closely related symptoms once and for all. .
Shame birthed in childhood
We feel ashamed if we are poor and dress poorly, if we are over or under weight, if we can’t express ourselves well or use poor grammar, if our grades are low, if we have few friends, etc. Some shame and anxiety may serve useful purposes, but it can be devastating. There is some data to support the shame-based theories. Andrews (1995) found that “deep shame,” not just dissatisfaction, in women about their bodies (usually breasts, buttocks, stomach or legs) was powerfully related to suffering severe depression. If a female is physically or sexually abused as a child or as an adult, it increases the likelihood of depression four or five times! Only childhood abuse caused shame about the body in women, however. See Lisak (1995) for an impactful discussion of the effects of childhood abuse on males.
The memories of our past—our childhood and adolescence—shape our identity or our basic sense of self. Due to shame-based families and cultures, shame becomes associated with many things, such as our basic drives, interpersonal needs, feelings, and life purposes. For example, much shame is attached to sexual drives (we can observe the uneasiness we feel about masturbation, not to mention homosexuality) and to hunger drives (we can see feeding problems in infants, fights over food with children, and eating disorders in young people). We are deeply hurt and made ashamed of our needs for closeness and security whenever a basic bond is broken through rejection, abuse, neglect, divorce, or smothering overprotection and control. Shame and depression become inevitable. Sometimes shame is connected to our bodies, our lack of competence, or our life goals (we can witness others’ reaction to someone wanting to be a popular singer or a girl wanting to be a mechanic or a boy wanting to be a nurse).
How to heal from Shame and Depression
Mark L Lockwood BA(Hons)(psy) Leading life strategist and clinical Director of Center for Healing and Life Transformation in South Africa has helped people internationally discover how to recover from depression, burnout, addictions and other disorders and disease in relatively short periods of time. Using new scientifically tested, researched and proven methods of what he calls the Contemplative Intelligence (CQ) process of dealing with mental health issues. Awareness and then simple skills and micro routines and practices formulated into the right package prevent depression from occurring and help people heal, recover and renew their lives.
The Body-Heart-Mind coherence techniques he uses daily help people shift energy and focus and recovery quickly, deeply and in the long term. Depression is a part of the brain. It has a chemical make up. Genetic factors contribute to the risk of developing this disorder and “if the brain and body can switch them on, the brain and body can witch them off”, says Mark. Although there’s no single cause of depression it can occur for a variety of reasons and it has many different triggers, stressors or stimulus’s that can start to allow the dark roots of depression to begin to manifest.
“It is impossible to predict what battles everyone is facing. Perhaps they are facing sadness, or they may be experiencing hardship. All we have to do is love and comfort them in any way we can. You only have one life, so give it to them; give them hope that has never been given to them before.”
D. J. Lewis
For more helps with Shame and depression, anxiety, addictions, stress and all personality and mood disorders call +27824424779 or email us. We have one of the best private depression clinics in the world run at our wellness centre. A professional team of experts are reshaping peoples lives and creating life transformation out of dis-order for thousands of people each year at the center and online. Be the change and start to heal your life today.
